Archive | July 2012

Insecurites, We All Have Them

Insecurities, something that comes up in every person’s lives which must be dealt with.  As a person that is transgender, it would be an understatement to say that I have insecurities.  I can pick on myself about quite a few things.  In fact, I am going to go through all that I am insecure about.  (There is a point besides the apparent whining that is implied.)

Height – This is no secret at first site of me.  I am a towering 6’2″ and even in the gender I was born into, I am considered tall.  My identified gender I become quite the figure, being a head taller then other women in the the crowd.  This can be found to be quite discouraging.  Though, this isn’t unheard of, one of my closest friends is as tall as me (if not an inch taller.)  The difference is that she was born into a body that matches her identity.  She has been able to rock this height and has allowed me to be less discouraged by this insecurity.  As a lady that who likes her heels, I know I can be allowed to wear them in not fear, but to go out use this to my advantage.  This goes as far as to have friends who have encouraged me to take on a different role in a photo shoot.  It would be odd not to be behind my camera, but I can’t say that I’m opposed to it.

Shoulder Width – Again a feature that goes well with my born sex.  At a 41″ shoulder, tops and some dresses become discouraging.  Part of this I realize comes from my height and I can play into that luckily.  Other measurements become tease to desires versus what fits.  There are times when I forced into a large piece of clothing when most other measurements allow for a medium.  One can easily blame a their gender-variant body on having to fit into clothes this way.  But in discussing this pain with other people, this again does not limit just women of trans-identity, but can befall cis-women too.  This issue, though can be an insecurity, is one I do share with my cis-counterparts.

Hair Line – Let me first clarify I don’t have a lot of room to speak on this one, as my head of hair is flowing!  But, what I do not like is where the hairline recedes at points on my forehead.  This falls in-line with a masculine hairline. If you note my hairline, right now, it recedes back to where it’s a flat line.  I do what I can to hide this tell of mine with the ways I wear my hair.  But if I pull back into a pony tail or any up-do, it becomes apparent what I am hiding.  I am happy to report here that there is baby hair growing in those tiny areas which will give me a rounder hairline which I am happy about.  Other than that, I can say that a widow’s peak hairline is similar to where it ends.  With that I again become less unique and I am not alone in this one.

Adam’s Apple – This is apparent if you ever hear Grethade’s character voice.  Normally a deep voice would be discouraging to any person going through transition.  On the other hand I have embarrassed this trademark of mine and focused it where it could be used.  A voice can be trained to sound the way you want, in doing this my Adam’s Apple is less evident.  I have even been asked how it shrank.  As far as I can tell it hasn’t, it’s just how it’s held using my voice.  You have to look for it when I do this and I am fairly certain this is not true to just me.  Not only that, there are  cis-women who have respectably lower voices and they too have a larger larynx.  Don’t believe me, find a female singer who’s known for having a lower tone singing voice and just peak at her throat.

Cleft Chin – I have cleft chin which I use to hate!  Words can not describe how often my eyes would go to this and scream, this makes you stand out.  But then I must review with a few of my friends, whom of which are models.  I have seen cleft chins there as well.  I am gifted with a jaw line that isn’t square and that is a bigger issue to make me stand out and be read.  There isn’t much I can say to this feature of mine, but again I am not alone in this.  In fact, there are some rather attractive people with cleft chins; those people roll with it instead of dwelling on it.

Brow Bone – This one gets me the most.  There are times I feel my orbital bones are so apparent.  This is something I seem to pick up on more than others, but it can drive me nuts.  But again it could be worse.  There are men born with a brow bone that is fit for a caveman, women who have pronounced brow bones as well.  I am on the side where cis-women are fighting the same battle. Pronounced, but not overwhelming, brow bones despite being an issue for me can be down played by make up and hair styles.  Guess who is working on her make up to reduce this appearance.

Now this comes back to why would I share this.  These are my tells to tell I am trans.  How evident are they to me?  The answer is quite evident.  For those people who are looking for these tells it is evident.  For those who aren’t and are looking at a presentation, you can never tell and it’s better to not know.  Just the same, it’s just as good for them to see some tells and never know.  I share this with you so you can look at what you are insecure about and look at other people that have that same feature.  There are several folks that hate and despise these tells that belittles their self-esteem, then there are those who say, “screw it” and rock it.  To the latter, it is quite amazing just how many of them are referred to as simply, “beautiful.”