When you have a trans-identity, your mental perception of who you are is generally different than you are physically perceived. Here’s an interesting thought, your mental image of yourself is unfortunately falls in-line with your physical appearance. Now before I get mauled by people that disagree with my statement, let me go into an explanation.
I came to this realization a few days ago, my mental image of myself isn’t what it was. As I have transitioned my image of myself has changed. Let me rewind and explain just what I mean.
Last week, I had to run some errands, not a huge deal but had to be done, but I had to do tasks with my legal name. Because of this, I dug out some of my older clothes, pulled my hair back and tried to appear as androgynous as I could. After my completed my tasks, I met up with a friend to go watch a movie at a theater. While sitting in the theater, I put up my feet to relax and it hit me. How I perceive myself in my own older clothes isn’t what it use to be.
The t-shirt I had was hanging on me completely different, in my jeans I felt like my legs were swimming in them. I never had this feeling in my old clothes. I realized that even though my body changed slightly, my self image isn’t the guy that wore those clothes. Controversially, I’ll say that I feel smaller in stature than before I began my HRT.
I find myself reminding me that my I still have my height, still that I have my other bodily traits that will not go away. I have to ask though, does this happen to other transwomen, does the mental mapping of your body change as the hormones go to work on you? Does this happen to transmen as well where their mental image becomes a larger bulkier version of their prior selves?
As time goes on and I finish my transition, I am curious to see if my perceptions change. Do those mental images of myself change more fluidly than I thought before, or do will I create a concrete image of myself? I wouldn’t mind hearing from cisgender folks on the matter too, do you find that your mental image change at all?