Archive | January 2012

Two Years of Being Out Authentically

Everyone sets and celebrate milestones in their life.  People celebrate anniversaries, achievements and anything in between.  I recently had a chance to celebrate one those milestones.  On a recent Monday, as per my weekly tradition, I went to my favorite Monday Night hang-out.  This night was different though, the reason for its difference is because of what that meant.   Two years ago on the same Monday of the month, I made my way out into the world as Michele for the first time.

I remember my first night out on the town.  It was a snow filled day as I was out trying to get items put together for what I was wearing that night.  I met with my friend Molly up at the store I work at to go out and gather all together.  I was still pretty timid about the idea of buying anything that appeared to be female for myself, so Molly came to shop and to be my safety net in purchases.

First stop, Mall of America.  We went to a couple stores to try and find an outfit, we ended up at Hot Topic of all place to find something.  (To clarify, Monday nights are goth nights at the bar I go to.)  So now with outfits out of the way, its matter of trying to find a wig.  Believe it or not, my hair was always cut to 3/8″ for 8 years, so a wig was a must!  Molly and I navigated our way around the blowing snow which led us to a couple different wig shops.  We didn’t see anything I liked and we rang out of time before these stores were closed.

Not sure of what to do, we went back to Molly’s house to figure out what to do regarding my hair.  I know cis-gender women can have haircuts like that too, but with all the other tells, I didn’t want to completely look like a man in dress.  Molly took it upon herself to scrounge around her room and found a wig for me to wear.

After the wig discovery, we went to our friend’s apartment to get ready.  I changed, got my wig place (after a lengthy combing that the other three ladies insisted on doing) and one deep breath before going out the door.   The four of us made our way to the saloon, and the rest is history.

To elaborate on what’s happened after that night, I met several people as Michele, a lot of them are sweet and supportive.  To mark my two years, a lot of celebrated with me, and that is just the first of many milestones this year.

 

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Goals Achieved in 2011, and Plans for 2012

Looking back on 2011, I can’t even begin to believe what I’ve accomplished during the year.  When we were bringing 2010 to a close, that New Year’s Eve I was out as a guy.  I wore a 3 piece suit, fedora, and stated that was going to by my last new years as a guy.  Though full time escaped me in 2011, I took huge strides to get myself to that point.

With the set back of a car purchase, the early part of ’11 didn’t have in the way of transition work.  That is not to say that other hopes and accomplishments didn’t happen.  Amazon gift cards from work led to the purchase of my mobile studio for photography work.

Come June 9th.  This was a big day for me.  That was the day I was able to set enough cash aside to get into a sperm bank to make a deposit and then from there, go to the clinic to receive my first prescription.  To step back, I feel I need to explain that one thing I wanted to do is be able to have my own child.  Since I am attracted to women, there is the chance that someday there may be an opportunity to parent a child. Now, with that out of the way.  I got in to get my first estrogen prescription and had witness to the next step in my transition.

It was crazy to notice a small change within a week.  I was listening to a radio show, and one particular story was one I could relate to some degree and as it hit close to home, I started to get misty eyed.  I had originally thought to myself, ‘why am I crying about this?’ then it hit me…it was the first time I started to see a change.  It was small one, and some people wouldn’t see it, but being open to my feelings and not hiding it behind a wall.

As I started to notice changes, I got to do other things.  I moved from the suburbs of the twin cities to Minneapolis.  I now lived closer to work and anywhere I went.  I was keeping up with photo work and had a few offers.  I was happier then I had.  I was moving to where I wanted to be as far as who I was and doing some of the work I loved to do.  I decided to take on another challenge.

It was shortly after my move I saw a calling for a contributor to a video game news/reviews site that was up and coming.  Have just started something like that with my new roommate I thought this would be a great opportunity to expand my horizons and get myself out there.  After submitting a news article followed by a game review I was one of eight individuals selected to write for this site.  This was a feather in my hat!  Despite another workload, it was one I was going to appreciate.  After all, who can honestly say they need to play this game for work!? I now can do that.

In September, I had a meeting with my therapist and talking about all that I was doing with work, how I felt about the hormones, and figuring out what I could do for the rest of the year.  I was feeling really good about myself.  Following that, our discussion led us to find that I don’t seem to be depressed anymore.  Everyone has their days, but I was not where I was before I started to consider transition in 2009.  A milestone was set, clinical depression seemed to have been defeated.

As the end of the year rolled around I finally did do what I hoped to do despite my set back from the beginning of the year.  I was able to get in and start my laser hair removal.  My tell that drove me absolutely insane has been attacked!  I now can make my way out in the world and some what cover that and pass.  This is after one treatment, so after more and the regrowth I deal with subsides more.  I look forward to what the treatment does me.  New Year’s Eve 2011, I wasn’t full time, but I would be damned if I went back on what I said a year prior.  I went to the same club I went to the year before and had a great time.

So now, 2012.  I hope to go forward with work related tasks.  One photo job, two video game sites, and one day job, I feel like I am going to be a busy gal.  2012, I hope to close a huge chapter in my life.  Though its going to be really hard to make that step, I also can’t help but be excited for it.  2012 is the  year I am going full time.  2012 is when I plan to get my name changed.  Lastly, I hope that 2012 will be the year I get to live life like I never have before.

This entry was posted on January 5, 2012. 2 Comments

An Intro to Who I Am

Hi there, Well I don’t know any other way to start this off, so I will just be forward here.  My name is Michele and I am a male to female transsexual woman.  I have used other methods to record my transition in the last year and a half, but with my re-introduction to journalism; I thought perhaps I could write down some of my thoughts, feelings and more.

To start, I figured out that I was different then other boys when I was about 9 years old. But, I wasn’t sure what it was. I knew I was a boy, its what I was told since I was little.  But not all things I did is what the other boys did.  I tried to do some of the boy things, I played baseball, had a hand in football, studied martial arts, I was even a backyard wrestler.  Don’t get me wrong, I had fun doing those things.  The experiences I had were tremendous and I wouldn’t trade them for anything.  But it doesn’t change when I started to learn things about myself and that I wasn’t alone in my feelings, I tried to bury them because of the fears with it.

Fast forward to the age of 26, I’m a sales rep, not my high school ambition in career choice, but there could be much worse.  I was at a company that took great care of their employees and I was seeing someone for a short time who could tell, I was not happy.  At her advisement and that of a dear friend I went to a doctor about clinical depression.  When medication wasn’t enough, a therapist was also recommended.  I kicked and fought about going to see someone about my depression.  When I succumbed to going to a therapist about my depression it was then I decided to admit to myself that I gender dysphoric.

It was at May 2010, I was 27, I started to see someone about my transition.  I have been slow as I explored my gender identity.  I feel my personality is a fair mix of masculine and feminine traits, but at the end of the day; my interactions with people as female works better.  I respond properly to what society accepts as female, and I am generally happier.  I am no longer diagnosed as depressed, and despite times when gender dysphoria hits, I feel like my transition to date has been good to me.

In my blog, I hope to talk about experiences, reactions to occurrences, and general topics I want to express myself in.  Thanks for reading about me.

Michele